Now We'll Never Know
by The Little Monster 1024
Summary: "Baby why'd you leave me? Why'd you have to go? I was counting on forever, now I'll never know."


**Now We'll Never Know**

**AN: Because I love some angst! :)**

* * *

They gave him a police funeral.

She, Esposito, Ryan, and Gates carried him through the rainy cemetery with an American flag draped over the cold casket.  
Her boots sunk into the wet ground as they walked to the beat of the drums.

She had to hold it in.

"Don't cry." Is what she kept telling herself. If she just waited until she got home. But she didn't have a home anymore.

Well...she did. The loft. Where she'd moved in nine months earlier after Castle proposed.

The wedding was scheduled for Saturday, two days earlier. Three days before he was gunned down in an alley trying to save her from an enraged suspect.  
She didn't want to go back to the loft. Ever. She didn't want to go back to his pile of dirty clothes on the bathroom floor or the line of cologne on his dresser.  
She'd only stepped in their room once since he died.

She wanted to go in. She wanted to be surrounded by his things. She wanted to be with him the only way she could.

But the moment her feet crossed the threshold, she couldn't breathe. Tears escaped in painful sobs. She leaned back against the door and slid to the ground. She brought her knees to her chest and buried her face. She stayed like that until well after the tears ceased. Martha found her asleep on the floor the next morning.

Martha was worried about her, Alexis and her dad were also. Just because she hadn't eaten much since he died. That she'd lost a few pounds in only a few days. She didn't want to eat. _She couldn't_ eat.

The rain running down her face brought her back to the funeral.

They sat they casket down and she took a deep, shaky breath before taking the steps toward the podium.

She gripped the wooden edges and looked out at the crowd. She'd never been to such a large funeral before, even Montgomery's wasn't as big.  
Other authors, Black Pawn employees, cops from all over the city, Gina, Paula, and friends from all through the years looked back at her; but she ignored them. She caught the eyes of Alexis, those Castle blues looking back at her. She was crying, but she gave Kate a small, encouraging smile. Alexis, only twenty years old, had been holding her up since he died.

She came to Kate one evening and they made dinner in silence. They sat down at the table and Alexis lost it. She broke down and cried right there over her dinner. Kate started crying too, she didn't even go to comfort Alexis. The girl made the first move, coming across the table to hug Kate. Kate held her tightly. They stayed like that for some time and then went to the couch. They talked about Castle. About how loving he was or how childish he could be. Alexis fell asleep first, leaning against Kate. Kate wrapped her arms around the girl and held her close, vowing to herself and to Castle that she'd look after her.

Her eyes shifted to Martha who had her eyes hidden behind sunglasses.

She looked around until she met her father's eyes. He wasn't crying. He looked at her and gave her a small nod. "You can do this, Katie." She could almost hear him say. She nodded back at her father, the man who knew how she was feeling more than anyone else. He'd lost the love of his life too.  
She cleared her throat and squeezed her eyes shut one last time before beginning.

"Castle wouldn't want us to be crying right now. He would want us to be happy...smiling. Because that's the kind of person Richard Castle was. A kind, generous, sweet, and amazing man. He valued the happiness and the lives of others ahead of his own. That's...that's why he's gone. He jumped in front of a bullet...a lot of bullets..." She said, her voice wavering. "Just to save me." It came out in a whisper but they all could hear.

She blinked back a few tears and wiped at the raindrops that had fallen on her face.

"Castle made me into the person I am today. When we met I was this...broken, way too serious person. I had these..these walls that I wouldn't let anyone pass. I was afraid to be close to anyone again because I didn't want them to be ripped from my life...I didn't want to hurt like I did after my mom died. But, Rick, he...he bulldozed through those walls and made me fall for him. Hard." She smiled a little at the thought. "He taught me how to have fun again. How to...live for more than the job...for more than my mothers murder. I was terrible to him about it. I put him through absolute hell but he stayed right there with me through it all. He protected me...from them and myself."  
"He taught me that...that even with all the bad, even with all of the murder and violence...there's still fun and happiness left to be experienced. I once called Castle a nine year old on a sugar rush. And that's just what he was. He lived life to the fullest. He could get so drunk on just living."

"He would always call me brave or his friends would tell me how brave they thought I was...I don't think I'm brave. It's not that brave when you're covered in a bullet proof vest and hiding behind your badge and gun. Castle...he was brave. The way he lived...the way he loved was brave. The way he could be so...so open and tell me or anyone how he felt...that's brave. Before Castle I never could've done something like that. It's one of the many things he taught me how to do."

"He taught me...so much." Her voice broke and tears escaped, mingling with the rain. "What am I going to do without him..." It was supposed to be just to herself but her voice carried through and everyone heard her. They all looked at her with so much sympathy. She couldn't do it. She couldn't hold it in.  
Tears started flowing freely. She gripped the podium tightly to hold herself up.

"I can't do this..." She whispered. Alexis broke into tears and Kate's legs started to shake. She started to fall, but a pair of strong arms caught her.

"Castle..." She whispered, her eyes widening. She turned her head quickly. Esposito looked at her with tears in his eyes too and shook his head.  
She couldn't breathe. She couldn't do anything but cry. He's not coming back. Ever. He's never going to surprise her in the morning with breakfast in bed ever again...they'd never make love again...they'd never get to have another lazy day curled up on the couch together. They'd never get married or have kids. They'd never...do so much.  
Esposito held her up as she cried. For Castle. For herself. For the life they'd never get to have.

* * *

Kate, Martha, and Alexis stood at the head of the crowd as they folded the flag. Kate's hand was crushing Alexis' and hers did the same to Martha's.  
The man stepped forward with the flag, walking for Alexis. When he reached the girl, he held the flag out for her. She shook her head slowly and looked at Kate.  
The man nodded and presented the folded flag to her. She dropped Alexis' hand and took the flag with shaky hands. She looked down at it and ran her thumbs over the material.

She slowly brought it to her chest and clutched all she had left of him tightly to her chest.

She felt the tears escape and then Alexis and Martha's arms were around her.

Everyone started clearing out of the cemetery, leaving them to grieve the death of their son, father, and partner.

* * *

Kate jumped when she felt a strong, gentle hand on her shoulder. She turned and saw her father standing behind her. Rain was pouring down and soaked his coat and hair.  
Thunder clapped loudly and lightening lit up the sky.

"It's time to go home, Katie."

Kate shook her head a little. "Can't." She said quietly, looking back at the cold stone that held his name. She leaned her forehead against it and squeezed her eyes shut.

"You can't stay out here. You have to go."

"Not without him." It was barely a whisper.

Jim hesitated for a second. "He's gone, Katie. He can't go with you."

She wanted to cry again, but she couldn't. Maybe she'd cried all the tears she had left. Or maybe she was just too tired. She was _so_ tired.

"What am I supposed to do?" She asked her father softly. She sounded so small, like when she was a little girl. "I was counting on forever…on always…but now…"

"You're going to be okay."

She looked up at him. "You think so?"

Jim nodded. She was strong. He knew she would.

Kate looked back at the tombstone and gently traced his name with her finger. "Until tomorrow, Castle." She whispered, kissing the rock.

She let out a shaky breath and let her father lead her away from the cemetery, away from him, away from her life.

* * *

**So, what'd you think? :)**

**P.S. Yes, I know. Castle isn't a cop. They couldn't just give him a funeral like that...but don't ruin my story with your logic. :) **


End file.
